-or-

why i will never take greyhound again.



because i am an asshole and i can't ever adhere to a plan, i decide on my trip to florida that i am going to let my friend that i drove down with head on to tampa without me so i can hang out with my bff jess.
this, by no means, was a bad idea. i had a fabulous time hanging out with jess and yumna, and i made some awesome new friends that i completely adore.
the hitch comes when, being the asshole i am, i decide to pass up an offer from jess to drive me from the palm beach area to tampa. i opted out of it for a single reason: i was having too much fun.

so my friend leaves the tampa, florida area and heads onto new orleans.

little did i know that escaping south florida when one is not on an airplane is, to say the least, a pain in the ass.

i look around for a while, do a little investigating and i find that i can get a ride up north with one of my newly found friends and her father, and then she and i would go to tallahassee and i could jump on a train or bus from there. this is much more inviting an offer than the copious amounts of money and time that i was looking to waste on a trip from west palm.

a quick breakdown:

to new orleans from west palm beach

amtrak: 24 hours and some change at around $250
flights: a few hours at around $350
the fucking bus: 26 hours at $160




now mind you, i wasn't even wanting to come back yet. i had a few days left in me without hating florida like i normally do. (i'm sorry, it fucking sucks there.) but as i drove with my lovely friend down to florida from upstate new york, i couldn't exactly tell her that i'm staying and to go home without me. she also had to be at work this morning. (wednesday.)

on sunday evening, i find out that my ride up north has fallen through for reasons that were out of anyones control. fuck.

i start frantically trying to figure out how i am going to meet up with my friend. attempting to do this trip as cheaply as possible, i scrap flying. it's just too much to drop, ya know? so now i'm down to amtrak and greyhound.

clearly, the only option is amtrak. even though it's expensive as fuck for a 24 hour trip. i bite the bullet and decide to go for it. too bad i missed the train and another one was not coming until the same time the next day. this would have put me in new orleans too late in the day on teusday. (don't forget she had to work wednesday morning.)

one option left: greyhound. double fuck.

i call my friend and we brainstorm how/ where we are going to meet up. after a lot of deliberation and cigarette smoking, a plan is finally formulated. i am to get a greyhound bus and travel to birmingham, alabama, where i will meet up with olga and head home to new york.

the bus costs $116, leaves at 2:05am, and takes 17 hours to get there.

i've dealt with more uncomfortable situations than this before, (i mean, you should meet some of my exes.) so, armed with music, books, a lot of cigarettes, and not enough green. i board the greyhound bus line.

this is where everything goes to shit.

the bus is filled, to the max. i find out i'm the last person to get a ticket and that in doing so i am taking the last open seat. it is next to a very angry looking cuban man who clearly does not want me ruining this awesome siesta that he's currently in the middle of. i must also carry my bag on my lap until we get to orlando in three hours time, as there is no luggage tag on it, as this is because the west palm greyhound ticketing counter is not open at 2am to place one on my bag.

so we traveled to orlando, me not sleeping and holding onto a large bag that is very uncomfortable. at least i had the sweet smell of the cuban's stetson cologne to occupy my thoughts.

after a layover in orlando for an hour and a half (still no sleeping) we re-board the bus and head up north.

somewhere in this time, i manage to sleep for a couple of hours.

tallahasse, florida: where this becomes interesting.

we head north form tallahassee into alabama. at some point in time an old man boarded the bus. this old man looked as though he had suffered form a partial stroke at some point, and though he may not have been homeless, he was none the less dejected.

seemingly 750 hours into this trip i decide to give my ear drums a rest and not listen to music for a bit. well, the old man had hobbled out of his seat and was attempting to retrieve his bag from the overhead compartment and asked the man sitting behind me to help him do so.

apparently the old man let some spittle fly out his mouth in the process of asking the man, henceforth known as the redneck, for help. well, the redneck DOES NOT like this and he proceeds to start yelling at this old man. the bus is flying down the interstate, crowded as hell and this old man is just being accosted by the redneck. he asks the redneck to please move over so he can sit down (i have no idea how he remained standing for so long. truly impressive.) the redneck laughs in his face and starts saying redneck-ey things like, "the hell you are old bones," and my personal favorite, "you crazy if you think ima letchoo sit here after you-a-spiitin' all ovah me."

i do not consider myself to be an easily offended person, but this redneck really pushed me over the limit. i mean, the audacity to speak to someone like that, especially an old man that looks as though he's had a pretty rough life.

chalk it up to lack of sleep. whatever you want to chalk it up to really, but i fucking SNAP.

i get up and turn around and start screaming at this redneck on a bus that's packed to the gills with people, zooming down the interstate in bumfuck alabama.

"why don't you act like a human being, better yet, why don't you act like a fucking man and treat him with respect, you redneck yokel fuck!"

this,for obvious reasons, does not sit very well with the redneck and he is up in my face screaming right back at me.

after my initial outburst, i don't really recall the specifics of our exchange. but those of you reading this that know me, know that a lack of words has never been my downfall... i let him have it good.

the next thing i know the bus driver has the bus pulled over and he is threatening to throw me and the redneck off the bus. someone quickly explained what happened, and the driver makes the redneck move to the front of the bus and orders me to keep my mouth shut or i will be walking to birmingham.

i calm down, resume my music listening, and continue reading.

for the next 6 hours i sit and read, every now and again i steal a quick glance to the front of the bus to see what the redneck is up to. and every time i look up, he is staring at me. i try to ignore it, but every single time; there he is.

we get to the stop before birmingham and as people start to get off the bus i see the redneck stand up.

he turns and looks directly at me and says, "you're lucky ima gettin' off at this stop, faggot."

i have never been bothered by the use of the word faggot. it just doesn't ruffle my feathers. but this toothless piece of shit cannot and will not get the last word on me.

i saw red.

i jumped up and ran down the isle screaming at him, "yeah, i'm the faggot that's going to kick your remaining teeth in!"

the only thing that stopped me from hitting him was the huge man that stood up right in front of me, placed his hands on my shoulders and very kindly said to me, "you don't want to do this. not here. not now."

and just like that, the redneck was off the bus and out of my life.

i hope to god i never come across him again (i'm pretty sure he would kill me,) but he helped me to realize something very special:

i am not made for the greyhound. i'm more of a first class and cocktails type of faggot.

oh alabama...

so i just deleted all my old posts last night... and now i wish that i hadn't.

so sad.

i'll update later bc i have a lot of stuff to say.

xoxo